This is a blog post I have been meaning to write for about 2 weeks now but I didn't want to begin typing until I was sure of what I wanted to say. I am sure. So, let's go...
I have recently had a very hard, painful, expensive and scary lesson on the brevity of life. I had been complaining of what felt like a Charlie horse in my left leg for a few hours. I was laying on the couch at my mom's house when I started struggling to breath. When mom recounts the story, she says that she was standing over me watching life leave my body. My husband called a buddy at the ambulance station and just like that, EMS workers were loading me into the back of an ambulance and we were headed to the ER. The Holy Spirit spoke to my Mom and told her the pain in my leg might be a blood clot. After scans and X-Rays, IV's and needles, Dr's and nurses moving briskly around my bed, it was determined that I had a pulmonary embolism. This means that there had been a blood clot in my leg but it had let loose, travelled through my heart and ended up in my right lung. After that was determined, the next discovery was that I was going into lung failure due to the clot. So, oxygen masks and blood thinning meds and a comfy room in the ICU later, is where I found myself. There is I stayed for 6 days. Nurses taking blood every couple hours to check my dropping levels. It was then determined that I needed blood. After it was all said and done, I had received 5 units of blood. I then underwent a procedure that put a mesh catcher's mit, of sorts, in the artery going to my heart to prevent any other clots from heading that way.
My family had worked out a schedule. My sister spent every night with me. She slept in a single chair curled up by the window. She would wake up at 6:30 and leave the room so she could get her kids up and to school on time. My dad would then take over the shift. And he would sit in that same chair and watch me breath in and out until I would wake up. Mom would come about 10:00 when visitors were officially allowed to come into the room. Mike would come after work and stay until bed time. Meanwhile, people from our church brought my kids dinner every single night. I don't even know who all cooked for them but every night, they had food. It's overwhelming to think about. There were lots of up's and down's and even more tears that were cried during those 6 days in ICU than I have experienced in my whole life. I kept telling the Dr's that I had to get home to my kids and every time they would ask how old they were, I would just start to cry.
It's true that I dealt with thoughts of what woman would take my place in raising them. Who would know what allergy medicines Carson takes? Who would know when Campbell is really sick or just being dramatic? Who would be there to take her prom dress shopping? Who would greet his first girlfriend and cheer him on as he plays his first basketball game? Wow. Life. It is so fragile. So fragile. When it was determined that I was going to be ok and that I would be the one to do all of those things, my attention shifted to getting stronger so I could get home. Carson's first field trip was coming up and I just couldn't miss seeing him in his bright orange shirt and jeans.
We checked into the hospital on a Tuesday and the following Tuesday, my sister drove up in my car and I was wheeled out the front door. We cried, yet again, this time knowing we had beat death. We had won! We cried and cried and cried some more because we were the victorious. O death, where is your sting? On the way home, I enjoyed the blue sky, white puffy clouds and beautiful air in a way I never had before. I even enjoyed the Arby's curly fries we stopped and picked up on our way home. When we pulled up to my house, my sister and one of my best friends had decorated it for fall. My tree was up, the mantle was done and the outside looked spectacular. (I'm so glad she did it this year because her house always looks better than mine. This year, my house looks as good because she did it herself!) We came into my beautiful farm house, sat down on the couch and both of us fell fast asleep. It was a good day. My kids came home from school that day and I was sitting on the couch waiting for them when they rounded the corner. It was a moment I will never forget. That night, I said nighttime prayers with them and cried the whole way through them. I was so thankful to be standing there saying nighttime prayers with my children. Hearing them thank God that Mommy was home was more than my tender heart could take.
All of this brings me to what I really want to say about this experience. Life is so short. It is so fragile. It is here one minute and gone the next. There are so many things that we put importance on when we aren't facing death and then when we are facing death, those things just aren't important at all. Who said what that hurt our feelings? Who did what that made us mad? The way we act toward each other. The way "friends" behave when one isn't looking. The pictures posted on social media. The people left out of those pictures posted on social media. The grudges we hold. The hurts we harbor. The unforgiveness we live with. Is it all worth it? Is it worth hurting that person? Is it worth saying those words? Is it worth acting that way? Is it worth it? When it gets right down to fighting for your very next breath and facing the thoughts of life being lived without you in it, is it worth it? The answer? A resounding, "NO". My life has been so altered by this near death experience that I have had and I'm not sure I will ever be the same. Life is to be lived. There are people who are alive but who are not living. They are letting guilt, shame, hurt, bitterness, their past, cause them to stop living. I won't be like that. Every day, I will enjoy every single moment. I will enjoy the people who want to be my friends and I won't be sad about those who don't. I won't give the devil the satisfaction using people or circumstances to steal my joy. I will live every moment to the fullest. I will enjoy each sunrise and sunset. I will be thankful for the invites to get-togethers that I receive and I won't be hurt by the ones I don't. I will be thankful for the pictures I'm in on social media and not crushed by the one's I'm left out of. Why? "Because I have learned the secret of living in every situation...I can do everything through Christ who gives me strength."
It is my prayer that you never find yourself laying in a hospital bed fighting for your life and contemplating your existence. However, it is my prayer that you learn from my previous experiences.One of my favorite quotes from any movie is from Lonesome Dove. "Life is short. Shorter for some than others. Let's ride." Life is short. We have absolutely no idea how short ours will be... Let's Ride!
