Well, I would feel like a terrible mother if, for one second, I thought I was alone. Perhaps the biggest lesson I've learned in motherhood is that I am never alone. It is in this revelation that I have found comfort in the most loneliest of times. It is also here where I begin this post...
Since September, we have been battling with Carson's health. It seems to be something every time I turn around. Bronchitis, ear infections, flu, strep, stomach bug, you name it, we've had it! Every mother knows how much a sick child can wear on a person. Our most recent battle seems to be allergies. These allergies give off infection like symptoms so I take him to the Dr. The Dr tells me they are allergies so I leave with nothing and return about 3 days later with a son who has, inevitably, developed an infection. Which I knew he would or I wouldn't have wasted my time in the first place!
What is most frustrating is that I am not a mom who doesn't pursue a solution. I've tried natural remedies, oils, homeopathic allergy medication, over the counter allergy medication, I with drew him from pre school, he is on immune builder vitamin, you name it, I'm doing or have done it. And yet, tonight, here I sit... in my bed... with a sick little boy. But that is getting ahead of myself. Lets start from this morning, shall we?
This week is preview week for K-4 at his school for next year. This is a week I have been waiting for a month. When he wakes up, he is as happy as a lark. Does great in school, pick him at 10:45 and things begin to unravel. Out of nowhere, he can't breathe, he is stuffy, his belly hurts, his head hurts, he is lethargic... what is happening?!? So I pour on all the natural remedies I have and put him down for a nap. He wakes up much better. So we decided to clean out my car. Vacuumed, Windex, armor all, the whole nine yards. Man it looks nice! His cousins come over to play, my parents come down for dinner. He comes in from outside and crawls in my dads lap and lays down. After about 5 min, he crawls out of his lap and goes to get in bed. His belly and head hurt. He doesn't want any dinner. So I finish serving dinner and he comes to sit in my lap. All of the sudden, his mood gets better and better. He starts laughing and playing again. I still feel it is in his best interest to run to the quick care.
So I throw him in the car and off we go. We got right in and saw a very nice Dr. He was running a low grade temp but acting just fine. He changed up his allergy meds, gave him antibiotics for the on set of an ear infection he was developing and out we go. Drive through chick fil a and an hour later, his meds are ready. So we pick them up and begin the journey home. I feel so much better because his allergy meds have been changed... well.. that feeling was short lived. We are almost home and he starts throwing up in the car. The freshly washed car. The perfectly cleaned out, vacuumed car. So, I pull over 5 min from home, on the side of the road, at 9 pm and start cleaning him up. Strip him down, remove his car seat, it's a mess. So, now, he is naked in the back seat and the car seat is laying in the freshly cleaned floor board covered in vomit. We make it home and, of course, he knows he gets to sleep with mommy. So, his dad changes him into is pj's and gets Carson's pillow and puts in on my bed. He gets to sleep in the guest room tonight while I tend to the sick child. Carson jumps in bed and I wash my face, place towels all over my sheets, get a bowl from the kitchen and wet wash cloth from the bathroom. I crawl in bed and look over at my sleeping little man.
Everything about motherhood is an oxymoron. I don't want to be here right now, with a sick baby and yet, I do not want to be anywhere else. I do not want him to be sick and miss this preview week that we have been so excited about for a month but at the same time, I want him to stay home and rest. I am so over the stage on his life where he is sick all the time and yet, somehow, I find myself cherishing every single moment I am with him.
What is this calling on a mother's life? Why is it so hard? How can it be so tormenting and heartbreaking and at the same time, peaceful and wonderful? How do I feel so alone when I am in these moments but deep down know, there are mothers out there sitting beside their sick children, doing exactly what I'm doing. Why do I feel as though I have no idea what to do for him and yet, when it is all over, I have made all the right decisions?
If I'm being honest, I know one day it will all be over and he will no longer need me to sleep beside him when he is sick. He will no longer need to me to take him to the Dr, figure out what medication to give him or change his clothes after he throws up. At this moment in my life, I cannot wait for that day. Until then, I take comfort in knowing I'm not alone and in understanding that this is just a season. Seasons change. All the time. Until that change happens in my life, I will be right here, laying beside my boy, relying on the Holy Spirit to guide my decisions, asking the Lord for strength and patience and praying for health over my baby, as only his mother can...
:
